HOW TO HAVE DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

We've all been there as leaders, whether with our kids, our spouse, or with clients or co-workers. Or maybe in a social organization like the PTA or the neighborhood book club.

Someone said or did something that requires correction or attention, and now...

We have to have a difficult conversation.

It's enough to make us dive for the covers...or maybe just sweep it under the rug, cross our fingers, and hope the issue just...goes away.

Unfortunately, that's not how it works. Very rarely do things fall off without some sort of repercussion down the line.

Or maybe you're completely comfortable having those conversations, but there's never any real resolution, leaving you feeling like you're constantly having to micromanage and clean up messes that others made.

What I've found is that the reason we avoid these conversations, or don't feel like they're effective, is that we lack planning and direction.

That's something we can easily solve with just a little tweak and a new tool.

Here are the most common misconceptions about having conversations that require intervention of some sort:

1. They have to be had immediately.
2. They're always a struggle that don't often end positively.
3. The conversation starts when someone begins talking
4. They have to take a lot of time and energy.

Now, some conversations are absolute doozies, and the above applies—somewhat. But that doesn't mean that we can't make even the most difficult conversations a little bit easier.

Let's start by de-bunking these myths with a little reframe and insight.

Myth #1: Corrective conversations need to be had immediately

It’s uncomfortable to sit with the discomfort of a situation.  When an issue comes to light, it’s completely natural to want to quickly squash it, especially if you’re in the throes of high emotions like blame, anger, or embarrassment. And, if you know you’re a stickler for perfection, it can feel like you absolutely have to point out what’s not to your liking, whether that’s a typo in an email your team sent out to a client, a kid forgetting to flush the toilet for the hundredth time, or putting your foot in your mouth. 

In the moment, the situation can feel emergent, but it may not be.

Before having the conversation, validate the need first.  It may not be as big of a deal as you think it is.  It may actually be a one-time thing that is self-limiting and self-resolving. I remember one time my older child did something that really got under my skin.  Confession: I took a photo of the “offense,” fully intending to talk to him after he got home.  But the fact that he wasn’t there was a positive thing–it gave me time to let the dust settle.  By the time my kid did walk through the door, I had realized that the cause for the “transgression” wasn’t that he was being careless or not listening.  He legitimately got pulled away from completing the task–which I had conveniently forgotten at the moment of my discovery.

The key is to not be reactive. Recognize when you're feeling stressed or challenged at all about the situation, and PAUSE. In my coaching work, we spend a good deal of time uncovering how this feels for my clients, understanding those emotions and beliefs, and helping them shift to a more positive energy. 

There are many tools at your disposal to do this—none of which require a fancy app or additional equipment. Simply tuning into your breath and slowing it down is a great way to lengthen your reaction time to avoid popping off or saying something in a less-than-favorable way. You could take a walk, shut your computer off and literally decide not to fire off a response right away. There are several options, but these are some of the simplest.

Myth #2: Difficult conversations are always a struggle that don't often end positively.

Our beliefs shape our realities. Japanese researchers took a group of 13 students, blindfolded them, and told them their arms were being rubbed with poison ivy. Subsequently, all the students broke out in dermatitis consistent with poison ivy exposure. Not surprising, except—they were never exposed to the irritant. Their arms were only rubbed with a harmless bush. Similar outcomes have been noted with cancer patients. Mindset and beliefs even played a role in reversing aging in elderly men. (All this research was compiled and discussed in The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor.) 

What does this mean for us, practically, when we have to have a conversation we believe will be difficult? Thinking it will be hard will make it hard. The more negatives you focus on, the bigger those negatives become, and more importantly, they are self-fulfilling prophecies. The good news? Positive beliefs are also self-fulfilling. 

So how do we flip to a more helpful and positive mindset without feeling like we're lying to ourselves? For starters, we can acknowledge that the negative beliefs we hold are actively keeping us from creating the outcomes we want. Secondly, we can adopt a different description of the experiences.  Instead of calling them difficult conversations, we can call them correctional or interventional conversations, so we don’t keep telling ourselves it’s pre-emptively doomed to be challenging.  Plus, it reminds us of the purpose of the conversation: to create a desired outcome, to course-correct. And thirdly, it just takes a little planning and a solid framework to use as a guide, and practice. Keep reading to learn more.

Myth #3: The conversation starts when someone begins talking.

I get why most people might say that's true, but here's the thing—the conversation begins the moment we start thinking about having it. Immediately, based on our emotions and beliefs (about the person, the situation, or ourselves), we either start to think about how it will unfold or we focus on how we got to even needing to have the intervention/correction in the first place. And then, without us even realizing it, we get caught in our own web of entanglement of anxiety, frustration, avoidance, and the like.

Remember, the beliefs we then form directly impact the outcome we live out. Think of it like cooking. You have to start off with the right ingredients to create the dish you want. If you decide what you want to say while frustrated, what you're going to get is an outcome that will likely breed more frustration. So, when you think about the conversation, spend time thinking about how to have the conversation from a more positive and curious mindset. 

The other thing people tend to overlook is timing and priming. I can't tell you how many times I've had clients come to a coaching session, confused and frustrated about why their intervention didn't go as they'd hoped, despite them knowing what they want to say and having the confidence to say it. When we pull it apart further, it usually boils down to two things: the timing and the priming.

THE TIMING

You're not as likely to have a positive interaction when bringing up problems when you're rushed or hungry or tired. Simply put, your body and mind are already at a limited capacity, so when an issue is raised, we aren’t able to handle it as well as when we’re rested, fed, and not pressed for time. 

THE PRIMING

Our brains love patterns.  It’s how our ancestors survived for all these generations–by their ability to predict patterns in a given environment and determine quickly if they’re safe–or if they need to fight, flee, or fawn. So, when leaders spring a corrective conversation on their people, without cluing in the person or people that their attention and time is needed, it can catch them off guard–and increase the likelihood that they’ll be defensive instead of open to collaboration or solution-seeking. This is certainly true of relationships and team dynamics that have low trust and psychological safety, but the truth is, just about anyone would respond more favorably if there was less of–or no–pattern interrupt.

In all my years of leadership, parenting, marriage, and coaching experience, I can safely say that people generally don’t like to be told they’re wrong or made to feel inferior.  So how you approach bringing up the idea that a conversation needs to be had is important, too–not only in tone, but the words you use as well. (Sidenote: Whether someone feels inferior or not is up to them, as Eleanor Roosevelt said far more eloquently than I, but we certainly can influence how that’s perceived with how we treat others.  This is a separate topic for another time, but it’s important to keep in mind.) 

If you’re looking to have a conversation that requires correction or intervention, consider timing and priming:

• with a heads up, preferably not over email or text, so that there’s no misinterpretation of intent, tone or words
• at a time where you and the other person/people are less likely to be hungry, tired, or rushed

Depending on the unique circumstances and relationships that might be involved, you can consider using phrases like:

• Hey, I have something I need a little clarity on.  Can we talk at X time today?
• I have something that needs your help.  I’d like to meet at X time. I know you’re busy, so what can I (or a collaborator/teammate) do to help make that happen?
• X person told me that Y happened, and I want to make sure that I have the full story so I can support you both as well as possible.  
• I’m stuck on X aspect of this project, and I think we may have miscommunicated.  Can we clear it up with a quick conversation at X time?

It’s not the action, but the intention behind the action that creates the outcome. These are all suggestions.  Consider what might be right for you based on your specific needs and situation. 

Myth #4: Interventions have to take a lot of time and energy.

Most people feel this way because they spend a lot of time worrying about or perseverating over the fact that the conversation has to be had, and so their perception of how long the issue persists can feel longer than it actually is.  

Secondly, people fail to consider the timing and priming, and can be highly negative in mindset when having the conversation. Remember the cooking analogy–if you start with frustration or blame, you’re going to breed more of the same–unless the energy is shifted at some point during the conversation.  Since negative energy is highly contagious, this is not as likely to happen (It takes more positive energy to cover the deficit and shift into positive than it does for negative energy to bring down positive energy.) 

While both of these reasons cost more time and effort, the other reason most people find intervention or correction to be so difficult is that they lack clarity on what to say, or what the root issue is. By adopting a framework to prepare with ahead of time, you’ll find that these conversations take less time as there is a path to follow to ensure that the conversation doesn’t drift into the weeds. And, if you use a framework, it’s an opportunity to help you do all the things we already talked about–slow down, fact check, and ensure that you understand yourself what the issue is and why it’s a problem.

One of my favorite frameworks for corrective/interventional conversations was developed by Dr. Geoffery Tumlin, author of Stop Talking, Start Communicating.

His iFONE framework is designed to help you create clarity, gather facts, efficiently communicate what the issue is and why corrective action is needed, and–my favorite part–creates an opportunity for the other person to be heard and collaborate in finding solutions in a way that validates and empowers everyone.

Here’s how iFONE works:

i:  State the issue at hand, as neutrally as possible. Preferably, this is done with facts in hand, along with any supporting documentation if needed.

• You’ve been late five times this week.
• Your colleagues felt that you were very aggressive at the last team meeting
• Last week, you didn’t complete ABC.

F: Say how you feel about the situation or why it’s concerning/requiring attention

• This is concerning for me because XYZ
• The team felt very disrespected
• I felt frustrated because you agreed to finish and I was depending on you to get your part of the project done so we could complete it.

O: Own any role in the situation. As easy to say there isn’t any ownership that can take place, there’s always something that can be said to help the other person feel like you’re interested in moving forward, not placing blame solely on one person.

• I wanted to talk to you about this as soon as possible, and I didn’t get a chance to last week after the incident happened.
• I wanted to talk to you about this after making sure I understood what happened, which is why I’m bringing this to you now.
• Maybe I wasn’t clear about what my expectations were of you on this project
• Maybe I didn’t clarify the deadline/scope of the project/why its important…etc

N: Express the need to resolve the issue, by what time, and why.

• Create buy in.  Why might this person care that this is a problem?  What might be the win for them, and for the team?  Help them see that they can add value if it is resolved
• Help them understand you’re in their corner and truly want to support them.

E: Allow them to explain their perspectives, understanding, etc.  Be mindful of any defensiveness they may have, and instead of making them “wrong” for seeing things the way they do, try to understand them instead.

• A simple, “What do you think about that?”
• How does that sound?
• What are you thinking as I share this with you?

All of your talking (i, F, O, N) ideally is done in 90s or less so that they can have space for the E (explanation).

I am a huge fan of this framework because of how many positive outcomes I’ve been able to create with it.  In fact, I don’t just use it in my work.  I’ve also used it with my husband, kids, even when speaking to managers at restaurants or with tech/customer support! 

However, with my coaching skills, I’ve been able to enhance outcomes even further.  Luckily, you don’t have to have gone to hundreds of hours of coach training in order to do the same with iFONE.

Here’s how to take iFONE and customize it further–make it plural! No, I don’t mean to have more of them (though practice does make it easier each time through). What I mean is, we’re going to make this go from iFONE to iFONES by adding the coaching piece: the S.

S: Support with coaching questions once a solution is reached. Ask things like:

• What do you like about this solution? How do you see it helping you? The team?
• What support/resources do you need from me/the team in order to get this done?
• What isn’t clear about this? What do we need to clarify further?
• What do you feel might get in the way of you doing this successfully? 
• What do you need to make sure those things don’t happen or are less likely to happen?
• How do you want to hold yourself accountable so you can follow through?

I’ve had leaders in diverse settings tell me that using these techniques have made them go from absolutely feeling dreadful to feeling confident and more at ease when having corrective conversations. Because they have the self-management skills and framework to help them get from where they are to where they want to be in less time and with more clarity, some have actually said they actually don’t mind and even look forward to these conversations, because they usually walk away with important insights as to how they or the company could improve. They view these situations as opportunities, even if they’re challenging. These leaders allow their curiosity to drive creating more wins, not just on an individual level, but for the collective betterment.

While holding people accountable to the solutions created in these conversations is beyond the scope of this article, by developing and using these techniques and mindset reframes more, you’re more likely to create outcomes that people are motivated to stick to, and have fewer incidences altogether as the relationship dynamics improve and trust is built.

Here’s to having corrective conversations with more ease and confidence, whether it’s at work, home, or anywhere in between.

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If you're ready to break from from limiting patterns and start living and leading with confidence, head over to www.drseemadesai.com/eli and learn about how the Energy Leadership Index Assessment can help.