The Inner Work of Marriage: From Guarded to Grounded

When we think of “working on our marriage,” most of us think of the external things:

Better communication.

More affection.

A weekend away to reconnect.

Maybe trying a new couples’ book or going to therapy.

All of those things matter. But none of them work in the way we hope unless one thing happens first:

The inner work.

The part where we stop looking outward for the fix… and begin turning inward with compassion and curiosity.

My Turning Point

One of the biggest transformations in my own marriage didn’t come from what we did—it came from how we showed up. It wasn’t some magical retreat or major life change. 

I started paying attention to what I was thinking–about myself and about my husband.

See, for years, I operated from a deeply ingrained mindset that I now recognize as hustle-based love. I believed that if I just worked harder, gave more, scheduled the right date night, bought the perfect gift, then we’d find our rhythm. I was an overachiever in every area of life—including love.

But here’s the hard truth I had to face:

Effort without awareness is just spinning your wheels.

I realized I had been living in what I now call Guard Mode. You know that tense, on-edge energy that shows up when something doesn’t go how you wanted it to? That subtle (or not-so-subtle) judgment that says, “He should know better,” or “Why am I the only one thinking about this?”

And for me, it sounded like this:

“He doesn’t get it.”

“Why am I doing this alone?”

“Am I asking for too much?”

These were fear-based thoughts—assumptions built on old pain, exhaustion, and the invisible pressures of adulting, mothering, and doctoring—all at once. My nervous system was wired for survival, not softness.

So I did something radical.

I slowed down, tuned into my breath, and observed my thoughts.

Especially in the car, right before walking into the house. I’d stop and ask:

Who do I want to be when I walk through that door?

Not: What needs to get done?

But: How can I be joyful and connected as we move through the evening together?

The Power of Noticing

This simple shift changed everything.

I stopped waiting for my partner to “do better,” and started observing what he already was doing. Like how he always fills my water bottle before I leave the house because he knows I’ll forget. Or how he brings me fruit during my work day because he knows I sometimes forget to take the time to eat well.

Those small, sacred acts of care?

They are the real love notes.

The quiet I-see-you’s that mean far more than any grand gesture.

And once I slowed down enough to notice them, I stopped feeling alone in the relationship.

Because I wasn’t.

I was just too busy—and too guarded—to notice the ways he was loving me all along.

Your Thoughts Shape Your Relationship

Here’s the truth: our relationships are not built solely on action.

They’re built on energy.

On the lens we use to interpret each moment. And most of that lens is formed by our thoughts—many of which are running on auto-pilot.

If you constantly tell yourself the story that your partner never helps, or never listens, you’re going to find evidence for that everywhere.

But if you start to shift into curiosity—“What else could be true?” or “What do I not yet see?”—you open up a completely new experience.

That’s the work.

Not the hard kind.

The subtle kind.

The kind that takes a little intention but has a big payout.

Practical Tools for Subtle Growth

So how do we begin this inner work? It starts by turning down the volume on our Guard Mode and shifting our nervous system into a more open, calm and receptive state of energy (what I refer to as “Guide Mode”)

Here are three practices that have become essentials in our home:

Resonance Breathing

I use the Breathing App —just a few minutes a day to calm my system, intentionally inhaling for a count of 4 and exhaling for a count of 6.  This helps my nervous system shift out of reactivity. When my body is grounded, I’m less likely to snap over the dishes in the sink or the laundry on the floor. I stack this with a habit I know I won’t miss–like right after I brush my teeth or before I sit down at the computer as I start my day.

Yoga

The point of yoga is to link your breath and body in awareness–to become clear on your inner world and light your path towards Self Realization. Western society has stripped it of it’s integrity by calling it a workout.  Yes, the body benefits, but the true benefit is the attunement of the inner world that then creates our experiences outside of our bodies. I’ve had many an insight that translate to invaluable life lessons off of the mat while practicing yoga.

Encourage Connection

To do this, we use a framework called DATE from Carolyn Webb in her work, How to Have a Good Day.

It’s easy to remember and is a wonderful conversation-starter that you can use at dinner, over text, or right before bed–anytime you need some connection and even when you’re short on time.

DATE = Discover, Achieve, Thankful, Experience.

– What’s something you discovered today?

– What did you achieve (big or small)?

– What are you thankful for?

– What did you experience?

When my son was little, we did this at bedtime. Doing this consistently built trust that allowed him to feel safe to come to me with the things that troubled him the most–it gave him space and scaffolding to share his innermost thoughts and deep questions that otherwise, he wouldn’t have the space to reflect on. Now, my husband and I sometimes do it on the fly during our day. It keeps us connected and aware of each other’s inner world, even when life is full.

Here are a couple of other things you can try:

Observe with Love

Pick one small way your partner shows up for you, even if it’s imperfect.

The refilled coffee cup.

The way they make the bed.

The silly way they sing in the shower.

Notice it. Say thank you.

These micro-moments are the soil of lasting connection.

Set an Intention Before You Enter the Room

Even if you’ve had a hard day.

Even if you’re tired.

Pause before walking in and ask:

“How do I want to show up for my family right now?”

Try “setting your GPS” to being someone who’s grateful to have walked into your home safely, to see the people you love the most in the world.  Show up with joy, an eager desire to connect, and show your family you truly care about how their day went.  This usually results in them doing the same for you–and before you know it, your home is more attuned and harmonious as a result.

Label and Share Your Feelings and Needs

It’s ok to say, “I’ve had a hard day.” or “I need a hug.” Often times, just labeling how you’re feeling and sharing that with your partner will allow them to extend some empathy and compassion, and give you what you need in the moment. 

Love Without the Hustle

You don’t need a new communication book.

You don’t need a fancy dinner out.

You don’t need to “try harder.”

What you need is you. Present. Grounded. Aware.

Let the traditional advice be the cherry on top—not the glue holding your relationship together. You’re not failing at love. You may just be missing the quiet moments where it already exists.

This is your invitation to shift—from guarded to grounded.

Because presence is the practice.

And joy is the outcome.

Are you curious about how you can shift the energy of your marriage? The Energy Index Leadership Assessment may be the next right step for you.  This isn’t another personality test or strength finder  This assessment provides valuable insights as to how you see your relationship and how you make decisions that create your experiences within it–when you’re stressed and when you’re not. Plus, you’ll get a private debriefing session, so you can get a tailored action plan based on your results that helps you implement your insights and start creating a marriage that’s more connected, harmonious, and supportive. Click here to learn more.