Whether it’s at work or at home, we’ve all been there: someone has said or done something that requires correction. It may be obvious to us, but yet, it alludes the other person, and now, we’ve found ourselves needing to have The Conversation to rectify the situation. Yet, though the intentions are good, we find ourselves in a torpedoed situation, leading to the need for further correction or reprimands. We find ourselves thinking, “Why can’t they get it? If they would just XYZ, we wouldn’t have a problem!” And therein lies the problem.
When we come into a situation from a place of judgement or authoritarian energy, we immediately assault the other person’s Ego. This invariably leads to defensiveness, denial, and refusal to cooperate or even have a productive conversation–regardless of whether that person is a 5 or 55. BUT, if we come to the situation from a place of peace and curiosity (I refer to this as “Guide Energy” in my book.), we are far more likely to be able to disarm the other person’s Ego. This leads to a greater likelihood that you can come together in collaboration to create a desirable outcome for all concerned.
How does one do that? By leading with CONNECTION, both with yourself and the other party. Leading with connection means you’re leading with curiosity and non-judgment. You’re completely at peace, and unattached to any sorts of expectations as to how that person might respond or any outcomes that may come as a result. You’re not interested in pinning fault on anyone, but rather, acknowledging simple facts as they are, and knowing why that’s an issue. You connect with them as humans who are doing the best that they know how, and are interested only in helping create a benefit for everyone, not just compliance with you. Sometimes, leading with connection just means offering up an observation (“You seem really frustrated.” “Wow, you’re having a really hard time turning the video game off.”). It may mean acknowledging what the situation is and validating the emotions that go behind it. (“I know it’s been really hard to get charts done on time when we’re so busy. You seem really overwhelmed–I know I’ve felt that way.”). However you do it, leading with connection means you see the other person, and you’re willing to hear their perspective as valid; if your perspective is completely valid, then so is theirs.
How you start a conversation can be a powerful factor in how you finish. Leading with the desire to connect and collaborate (instead of punish or correct) will likely yield repeatable, sustainable, desirable outcomes, and create healthier relationships in the long run. You’re also less likely to trigger the other person in the process, meaning they will be more willing to come to the table with an open mind.
A few more tips:
Avoid starting a corrective or difficult conversation if you’re triggered (anger, blame, shame, judgement, guilt, discontent). Connect with your Self (your “Guide”) before connecting with others.
Avoid these conversations when you or the other person is rushed, tired, or hungry.
–Get their permission to engage in a conversation. Tailor your ask to your audience; how you approach a 5 year old is likely not how you’d approach your coworker.
–State facts and be ready to have no more than two specific examples. Avoid saying things in general terms and using words like “always” and “never.”
–Don’t try to correct everything at once. If tardiness and messiness and a poor attitude are issues, pick the most pressing one, and wait to address the other issues later. The chances are that once one thing starts to clear up and positive reinforcement/support is received, the other issues may start to lessen.
–Centering yourself with visualization, affirmations, etc before having the conversation is powerfully effective.
–Keep it short. Lecturing is ineffective.
–Get their take on things. “What do you think?” is empowering in nature when asked after you’ve shared your perspective and why the issue is a problem. It sends the message that you want to hear their thoughts, and that their perspective is worthy of acknowledging. Furthermore, it encourages collaborative solution-seeking.
–Build in accountability. Ask them what you can do to help them, but make sure you ask what it is that THEY can do to help themselves, too. Champion their ability to rise to excellence.
–Having difficult or corrective conversations is a skill, like riding a bike. You won’t get it right the first time, or even the 5th necessarily. Even once you’ve gotten better, there still might be times where you fall off. Give yourself grace. Reflect on your experiences and move forward with insights gained.
What is one relationship that would benefit from connection before correction? How so? What is one thing you can do to create that?