What does having a healthy relationship look like? Any relationship—parent, child, teacher, spouse, coworker, friend, whatever? I’ll share with you what my husband reminded me of a few months ago.
When I decided to start blogging, I was hesitant to go public with it. I’m not sure why, but I didn’t feel confident enough to put my name on it, or my face with it. Slowly, I started to, but I still didn’t tell my friends or family what I was up to. As for my husband—well….
Let me explain. My husband and I have been together for nearly half my life. We were college sweethearts. He and I have grown up together, from being college kids to full-fledged doctors and parents. I haven’t done a single thing without him since I was a sophomore in college. Not because I can’t, but because I haven’t needed to or wanted to. So when I started this new journey, I thought, “Now’s my chance to do something that’s just me. All for me, by me.”
So I started writing, planning, posting, all of it. I allowed my hubby to take some pictures for my Instagram feed, but that was because I wasn’t sure if wanted to invest in a tripod, and he was happy to take direction and take the photos. Then, with the encouragement of a fellow blogger friend, I decided to actually launch a website. I went and got a domain name, set up a WordPress account, all that jazz. But that’s where I hit a wall. I couldn’t figure out how to actually use WordPress. There are some things that come pretty easily to me, but building websites is not one of them. For days, I struggled. I didn’t know who to talk to about it, or if I needed to pay someone to get help, or anything. I felt so frustrated. I felt like I had so much to write about and no way to put it out there for anyone to read.
One day, I came home to find my sweet hubby in the kitchen, making lunch, and he could tell something was eating at me. I resisted telling him, because for once, I didn’t want to do this with him involved. He’s always been “The Fixer” in our family. He fixes everything—from finding lost toys, to dealing with setting up the doorbell camera, to helping his sister pick a health insurance plan. I didn’t want him to “fix” this. But he coaxed it out of me. And I just collapsed into a heap of frustration, with him sitting next to me, while I tearfully and begrudgingly told him what was wrong and why I didn’t want him to help me.
He listened intently (Which is a HUGE feat for him; he always, always interrupts. But not this time.), and after I was finished, he just looked at me and plainly said, “I know you want to do this without me. I know you CAN do this without me. But I can’t NOT help you. That’s not what this (our relationship) is.” The more he talked, the more my perspective changed. I saw that my ego was really getting in my own way of doing what I wanted. Just because I let someone help me doesn’t mean that it’s not my show to run. That doesn’t invalidate all my work and ideas.
It’s one thing to “know” that it’s ok to lean on your friends and family for support, but to DO it, well, that’s an ego check for sure. But that’s the thing about ego—there’s really no need for it, no room for it. If it doesn’t have a place on your yoga mat, then why would it have a place in your life? How dare it take away from you your ability to make your own path?
I gained a lot of perspective in those moments of conversation. Leaning on someone doesn’t make you weak, or incapable. In fact, I’d argue that it’s the opposite. Allowing someone to help you means you’re humble enough to see yourself in an honest light, to know where you fall short. It makes you smart enough to seek help when you need it. It takes strength to accept weakness, as ironic as that may seem. And is it even really weakness, just because it’s not something you know how to do? No. It just means it’s something from which you can learn.
Sometimes, you will be the one that needs support. Other times, you will do the supporting. Any healthy relationship will be a back and forth of these roles. You support those around you because you truly care for them, because you believe in them and their ideas…because not being supportive would mean you’re willing to take but unwilling to give. Any way you cut it, it takes strength to support someone, but it also takes strength to let someone support you. It takes strength to let yourself lean on those that are around you.
As we head into the next decade, keep in mind that it’s okay to ask for support if you need it. It doesn’t make you weak, or stupid, or incapable. It makes you human. So, celebrate your human experience. To everyone reading this, I send you wishes for inner peace and a life filled with gratitude. Namaste.