The incident I’m about to describe is not pretty.  It is ugly in a lot of ways, raw and revealing and personal. But it’s real, and that’s what matters. 

Yesterday, my vibes were just off, all day—the result of poor sleep and hormonal days.  Everything the kids said or did (or more like didn’t do) irritated me to no end.  I felt like an annoyed rattlesnake, hissing and coiled, tail rattling in warning—ready to strike at just the slightest threat.  No matter what I did, I just couldn’t escape it. 

And then it happened.  The Mommy Meltdown.  No, let rephrase that— the MOTHER of all Mommy Meltdowns.  I screamed.  I cried.  I said things I shouldn’t have.  My whole body felt like it was on fire.  My husband tried to stop me, but it was too late—the train had already left the station, and was forging along, full speed ahead.  It was like on some level, I WANTED to stay angry—a complete out-of-body experience. And when my tantrum was all over, I was left feeling alone, misunderstood, shaking and ashamed of my actions and words.  Then the self-loathing began.  “I’m not worthy of being a mother.” “What’s wrong with you?! He’s just a kid!” “Why can’t you just stop when you know you should! You’re a hypocrite for wanting the kids to do it but you can’t even do it yourself.”

But then, the voice of love spoke over the voice of judgement and hate.  “Everyone has moments like this.  You’re human, not God.  You will say and experience things that humans say and experience.”  “Just do the next right thing….This is just one moment, one drop in the ocean of love you’ve given these children.”  

Today, I woke up with a whole new energy.  The kids have moved on, and so have I.  (To be clear, I of course offered hugs and made up with my son as soon as I was able.). But my point is this:  Make sure you talk to yourself with love.  Because if you only use the Voice of Judgement, you’ll never be able to move on. Throw yourself a life line.  Know that you are worthy of self-love & you are not alone.  We are living in unprecedented times.  It’s ok to make mess up.  You can always choose to begin again, be it the next moment, the next hour, or the next day.  It’s never too late to speak with love and do the next right thing.