A note to the reader: In this article are several links to products. I may or may not receive a small percentage in commission from these products, but all of them are products I not only use for my own family, but recommend as genuinely as if there was no personal financial interest whatsoever.

How do you handle when your kid has a meltdown or an argument with a friend or sibling?  If you’re looking to be a more mindful parent, you are probably wondering how to meet these common, everyday challenges.

When I first started out on this mindfulness journey of mine, I felt like I was learning SO much. I was implementing so much. But no matter what I did, it felt like my efforts, while they were fruitful, weren’t quite as impactful as they could be. I didn’t realize that there was a missing piece to this puzzle–a piece I had no idea existed.

This missing piece didn’t dawn on me until after months of practicing skills in my own life that I learned from a self-love mastery course. So I tried it one day with my kids.  My son had just, as my daughter put it, “crumbled her heart into dust.”  While my sister-in-law consoled my daughter, I took my son aside, and helped him come to a place of mindfulness to figure out what happened and why his sister was reacting the way she was. He came to the realization that he really hurt his sister, even though his intention was far from it.  After they set things right, I put in that last, missing piece of the puzzle. BOOM! There was the impact I was looking for. And it has since motivated my two kiddos to keep making mindful resolutions–to keep pushing to be the best versions of themselves, and to treat others and themselves with love, kindness, and compassion. 

So what are the tools I use when teaching my kids how to handle life’s challenges with love & kindness? How do I handle a situation where my child behaves in an unfavorable manner, or when my children experience something difficult? Here’s my step-by-step.

CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF FIRST

Take a deep breath. Pause. Refrain from saying or doing anything at all, other than staying with your breath. In order to help your child solve a problem mindfully, YOU have to be calm and centered first. If not, your own (insert emotion or frame of mind here–impatience, exhaustion, anger, etc) will be the driving force between you, the child(ren), and how the problem is solved, NOT the child themselves.

The goal is to empower the child to find ways to respond and not react to any situation in life, and to help rewire their brains from petty “payback” or “me, me, me” mode to “How can I make this better for everyone?” mode. That means that the actions, words and emotions have to come from them, and if your emotions override or drive theirs, everything they say or do will be because Mom/Dad/caregiver is making them, and not from their own volition–making lasting resolution unlikely.

Now–nothing can be quite as irritating as it is to hear the words “just stay calm.” If it was that easy, everyone would do it all the time, and we wouldn’t have so many problems. When I was first learning how to be a mindful mama, I would always think, “Don’t tell me to be calm. I know I need to be calm. That’s my problem. I don’t know how.” Here’s one tool of many that helps teach how to do just that. A good book to help kids AND parents how to do this is “Mop Rides the Waves of Life” by Jaimal Yogis. It’s written and illustrated in a way that’s easy to understand and implement, and it’s one my family refers to a lot. When emotions run high, it’s easy to forget the things we know to do when we’re calm. This book has certainly helped us during those times–regardless of whether it’s me or the kids that needs help staying centered.

ASK YOUR CHILD HOW YOU CAN HELP THEM

The next step depends on what just happened. Sometimes, messes need to be cleaned up or feelings need to be mended, but this doesn’t require the parent to jump in and help fix things neccesarily. Again, kids should be given the opportunity to arrive to what is the next right course of action themselves. If they’re new at practicing mindfulness or they’re very young, the parent will need to help guide them, and as their brains rewire to think in this new construct, your guidance won’t be as heavily required. Regardless, you’ll find greater success if the child tells you how or even if you can help. Sometimes, the kiddo just needs to vent (like after an outburst, for example). No action is required by the parent, other than just offering undivided attention and a nonjudgemental ear. So often, we as parents jump in and start “fixing” things. This doesn’t exactly build the confidence in our kids that they need to be sure of themselves when making life choices.

If your kiddo just needs you to listen, then do that. Put your phone down. Turn off the music. Stop what you’re doing. Look at them in the eye, turn off the judgement, and stay with your breath as you let them unload. Often, the answer to their issue lies in just them talking it out. But if your kid can’t seem to figure out what they need, says they need help, or if talking doesn’t help, then you can certainly provide guidance and support. Above all, avoid jumping in and demanding apologies, imposing consequences, or anything of the sort at this point.

HELP YOUR CHILD FIND CALM BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO FIND A RESOLUTION

This step can be placed before the one above, depending again on your child and the situation. Sometimes, you need to get to the child to calm down before doing anything else. Other times, they’re calm enough to be able to tell you how you can help them, but may need more guidance beyond that. Regardless of what your kiddo needs from you, a crucial step in mindful solution-seeking is staying calm. And if it’s your kid that is experiencing the challenge, then it’s them that needs to find center before trying to resolve anything. Your child can’t find lasting, mindful resolution if it’s from a place anything other than love, compassion, and calm.

When helping them do this, another book we refer to a LOT with my kiddos is Tejal V. Patel’s “Meditation For Kids.” In it, there are all sorts of quick, simple, and fun ways to help kids find calm and peace amidst the storm, as well as building mindfulness and stress resiliency during other times of the day–like in the morning or before bed. If your kids are in to stuffed animals (like my daughter), OMI the Elephant by Mindful Buddiez is a great tool to help teach kids to find calm when upset. Use code SEEMA15 to get a discount on yours! Don’t be fooled–these tools may be marketed for kiddos, but they’re GREAT for adults, too.

INCLUDE EMPATHY, COMPASSION AND LOVE WITH THEIR RESOLUTION.

As you read more articles and books, and through your own experiences with parenting, you’ll find and develop your own language and tools to help your child through a given situation. No matter what you pick, be it exercises from a mindfulness book, affirmation cards, a parenting course (like this one) or the like, an important skill to lead your child through is development of empathy through use of those tools. Asking questions like, “Why do you think he/she may have said/done xyz?” or “How would that feel if someone did that to you?” helps children learn that there are always two sides to every coin. Another one I like is, “What could you have done instead? What could the other person have done instead?” These are all questions that get kids thinking, and often times, it strikes that cord of empathy they all have in their beautiful hearts. It teaches them to think from a place of compassion and love for the other person, instead of making the situation centered around themselves. Once you’ve done that, often, your child will come to a realization on their own about the situation, and will come up with a way to help set things right. You may have to prompt them with something along the lines of “So how do we do the next right thing?” (I got that from Anna in Frozen II.). The solutions they come up with on their own are truly beautiful. I’ve definitely teared up when I’ve heard some of the things my kids have come up with. You may need to impose restrictions or guidelines of your own in addition to what your kids say, but let that come second after their own solutions, and make sure that those restrictions are reasonable and related to what the situation involves.

PLEASE NOTE: Sometimes, there isn’t a whole lot we can do about a situation, in which case, we must find acceptance. No, I’m not saying to accept what is unacceptable. But there are times when acceptance is all we have. Think about a time when someone cut you off it traffic, for example. You can flip them off, ride their tail, and honk till the cows come home, but it won’t be serving anyone, and really, the only healthy thing to do is accept that someone cut you off, send them some compassion–maybe they’re having a hard day–and move on. So often, we find the acceptance is the first step to our own inner freedom.

ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO FEEL FORGIVENESS, LOVE, AND COMPASSION FOR THEMSELVES

Often, when we make mistakes, it can be embarrassing and difficult to admit or to make right. Telling your kiddo that we all make mistakes, that we’re all just doing our best, and that our best is good enough is important. Teaching kids to forgive themselves is important. Living a life full of guilt doesn’t serve anyone, so letting it go is essential.

It’s important to model what we teach. What I just described above about self-forgiveness is a HARD practice, especially for adults. So much of parenting successfully and mindfully isn’t at all about our kids, but it’s about US, and healing our own wounds and putting down our old and heavy baggage. (If you need help doing this, I HIGHLY recommend the Self-Love Mastery Course I took. It has been life-changing for me. Learn more about it here. Use code “Seema” to get 50% OFF.)

CELEBRATE YOUR CHILD’S EFFORTS TO BE MINDFUL

So, here we are. Back to the beginning. Remember when I was talking about that one thing I didn’t know I was missing? Well, here it is. The missing piece, that KEY to sealing in all that mindfulness we’re teaching our kids, is CELEBRATING YOUR CHILD’S EFFORTS TO BE MINDFUL–even if what the inciting event was is totally not ok (Think shoving their sibling or yelling at you or your partner, or something even bigger.).  If you chose to handle that situation mindfully, and you were able to get your child to at least pause or consider resolving the situation in that same manner, draw their attention to the fact that they CHOSE to do so, and that that is AMAZING.  Each effort is a choice by their subconsciousness to try to live life with more intention and empathy, and that is something to be celebrated.

If you never stop to encourage their efforts, they will never know just how amazing those efforts are. These efforts can feel bigger than life itself. So CELEBRATE THEM!!! With each choice, each effort, we are helping these kids build resiliency and changing the world for the better. And while you’re at it, celebrate YOUR success in choosing to guide your kiddos to be mindfulness ninjas! Mad props to you, too!

Of course, avoiding tantrums and meltdowns are always desirable, and you’ll see that if you make mindfulness and meditation for yourself and your family a priority, fewer and fewer of these snags happen. (Note the I said “fewer” and not “none.”) It can sound intimidating, but the key to it all is to just start, be consistent, and release any expectations of what your meditation practice “should” look like. You can get a glimpse into my own meditation practice here.

I sincerely hope this article was helpful. As always, if you have any questions, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask. Sending you love, peace, and light. Namaste!