I remember the first time I ever heard this phrase. It stopped my in my tracks. While it made me laugh, it took me a second to understand what it actually meant. In case it’s not entirely clear to you, either, that’s okay. I wouldn’t have figured it out had someone not explained it to me.

“Should-ing” all over yourself is a lighthearted way of describing what happens in our internal narrative nearly every day as overachievers in the thousand roles that we play, be it at work or at home. It is a way of describing the conundrum we often face as we navigate what we want to do versus what we feel we “should” as dictated by our education, cultural and societal norms, internal beliefs, interpretations, and assumptions. It’s a way of describing the guilt that weighs on us as doctors, leaders, moms, spouses, daughters, friends…and on and on.

So many of my clients fall to this default of “should-ing,” when they first come to me. It is something I experience, too. It can look something like this:

I want to spend a quiet weekend at home….but I should visit my in-laws instead. And weed the flower beds. And take my kid to that birthday party. And think about planning my own kid’s birthday party. Did I finish charting last night? I don’t think so. Spending down time at home is just being lazy.

I want to work out…but I should pack school lunches instead.

I should meditate….but I can’t get it together enough to sit for two seconds. How am I supposed to sit for two minutes?

I should reorganize the pantry so I can actually see what we have…but I need to finish the pile of laundry that’s staring at me.

I should respond to my emails. Why I can’t I ever seem to get ahead of that?

Dinner should have been started thirty minutes ago, but these patient notes won’t write themselves. Why can’t hubby just see that I’m busy? And why are the kids screaming?

I should have gotten on my mat for yoga practice. Now my hip hurts from all this sitting.

My daughter wants to paint her nails with me….but I should really finish this presentation for grand rounds.

I should have gone to bed on time last night. I always do this–I stay up later than I should and I regret it in the morning, but how else is anything supposed to get done around here? I should just muscle up and push through it.

The thing about having thoughts like this is that it wires our brains to only see things through the eyes our our Guards–with judgement and fear. In essence, it primes us to see everything as a problem, challenge, or threat making it impossible to even consider that they might be something different–something that’s not a threat or a challenge, but rather, an opportunity or gift.

As easy as it may seem to just say, “Stop should-ing on yourself.”, we miss valuable cues that these thoughts bring up about us if we do. Guilt can be hugely insightful in determining who we are as people and where our values lie. It doesn’t feel good to feel the weight of the guilt, but if we can learn to slow down and be with the discomfort, we can uncover some eye-opening discoveries about ourselves and about how we want to live life.

What might you uncover if you slowed down and considered the source of your guilt the next time you experience it? More specifically, what values do you hold, and how are you dishonoring (or honoring) them? How does that guilt show up in your body? In other words, what are the physiologic responses you experience as a result of having those thoughts of guilt?

Spending time reflecting on this will surely lead to insights. The question is, are you willing to listen to your Guides to decide what to do with them?

You are capable of creating the life you want and deserve. You are capable of inspiring Transformational Success. I’m in your corner, cheering you on. (And if you’re looking for more on your Guides and Guards and what to do about them, check out my book, available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.)