Last week, I dropped my kids off at Tae Kwon Do with the intent to go home and finish cooking dinner (which didn’t actually happen because I cut my finger in the process). When I picked them up, I learned that they both had mastered a foundational skill–and I had missed their demonstration of it. The kids were SO excited to tell me all about it, but in the moment, all I heard was, “The kids wanted you to see them and you missed it. All for nothing. Dinner still isn’t done.” I felt awful. In that very moment, the kids’ joy was drowned out by my Mom Guilt.
Guilt. It’s about as human of an emotion as it gets. Some individuals are more guilt prone, and women are generally more predisposed than men. Across cultures and society, we teach children, and in particular, girls, to avoid making waves. As girls, we are taught that we must honor someone else’s values, feelings, and desires with our actions, even if it means unhappiness for us. That is, after all, what “good girls” do. For some reason, when we birth children, we not only birth the child, but also a deliver a whopping side of Mom Guilt.
Guilt stems from fear–ultimately, the fear of not being good enough to be accepted or loved by another. It’s the inability to be authentic with your boundaries, desires, or needs because expressing them might cause a misunderstanding or a rift, and it might lead to a loss of connection with the other person. The fear of being an inadequate mother is suffocating if it is left unchecked. That used to be the case for me, and for many other mothers I’ve coached or spoken to.
Most of us aren’t aware of the fact that we’re spending a lot of energy taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings, and long term, it costs us our happiness, our inner peace, and our health. Unchecked, chronic guilt keeps us at an “egoic” energy state, which essentially means that our bodies remain in a low-grade state of stress. Though there is a physiologic toll that that takes, there is another way that guilt costs us. Life, viewed through the lens of guilt, prohibits us to be in the present moment, to be able to see situations as opportunities or gifts, taxes our ability to perform to our highest potential, and ultimately, experience life with gratitude, purpose, and joy. Say you wear glasses that have a green tint to the lens. No matter what you look at, your perception of the world will be that things are green. Guilt is like that. If you continually chose to think and act out of guilt, you only see things in that light. It affects how you perceive the world around you.
Often, guilt is thought of as “bad.” I’d like to offer another perspective. Guilt, when mastered, is simply an indicator. A clue. An alert signal. It’s a warning sign that your thoughts and actions are not aligned with your values or ethics. If you choose to shoulder the guilt or push it away, you lose valuable opportunities to develop as a person, and recognize the message behind the guilt. If you REFLECT on it, and learn to sit with the physiologic discomfort you feel as you do so, it can unlock your power to create awareness for thoughts and beliefs that do not serve you or the people you love. Reflecting is the key to you identifying what values aren’t being honored and why, and therefore the key to unlocking your sense of purpose, joy, and ability to create success.
How does one learn to sit with the discomfort of reflecting on the guilt? Having a good self-care routine like meditation, yoga, journaling, and strong social connections can be helpful in learning to do so. But what if you’re not aware that you are defaulting to guilt mode? What if the you know you’re prone to guilt, but you’re not sure why? That’s where coaching can be really effective.
Coaching creates that time and space for you to get clear about what your thoughts are in a safe space, such that you can create real learning that inspires you to take action oriented towards your goals and dreams. The coach keeps you accountable to yourself. The coach helps you learn to celebrate your wins, and even illuminates the ones that may be less apparent to you. Coaching, over time, literally helps rewire the brain, leading to boosted performance, an increased sense of well-being, and healthier relationships with others and your Self.
So, what happened that day as I heard and felt my guilt? Once I became aware of the guilt, I was able to reflect and ask myself, “How else can I look at this in a way that is helpful?” I realized that my kids had the confidence in themselves to feel secure enough in their knowledge and subsequently perform at their best. They were not angry or disappointed in me. I was able to feel their energy of excitement and satisfaction, and able to be present for the giggles and sweaty hugs they gave me. I celebrated their accomplishments, and importantly, celebrated my own ability to shift the guilt into gratitude. Dinner was served a few minutes late, but we ate in peace, happy to rejoice in the day’s gifts. And, I was reminded of just how important it is to befriend the guilt and recognize that I am doing the best that I can, however imperfectly that may be.